Dear Silas

January 5, 2008

Dear Silas,

I’m writing to tell you how sorry I am that your life has been so difficult.  It has definitely fallen short of all I had hoped.  I want you to know that I’m trying to make things better but my efforts always seem to fall short.  I love you so much and don’t want you to hurt or feel bad any more.

I think back on the months and years that you have been in pain, and it hurts me so deeply.  I look at pictures from your first year of life and I can still see the discomfort in your eyes.

And now, I want so badly to feed you fun foods that I know you would enjoy.  What a smile would come over your face to taste some of these for the first time!  I am so sad to have to tell you “no” when you want just a little of what I am eating, and it hurts every time I have to pry tiny crumbs out of your little fingers – crumbs that you searched so diligently to find from the kitchen floor.  I want to be able to stop and grab a quick lunch together when we’re away from home.  The couple times you had French fries, you enjoyed them so!  I would love to treat your to ice cream and other special treats.

I want to have a holiday where I don’t have to hide all the candy everyone gives you before you see it.  I want to go to the Trunk or Treat and actually let you have the candy.  I want to make cakes for your birthday that you can eat too.

What hurts me most of all is that so few people know the real you.  That sweet, fun little boy that is so loving and happy.  I’ve seen him a few times when you were feeling your best, and I know that’s the real you – not the one that whines and screams or can’t sleep.  I want everyone to know how truly special you are.  That smile can melt anyone’s heart, and you have such a friendly personality.

I want you to know that I’m trying to find help, and I’m praying that this will not last forever.  Hang in there with me, Little Man.  And know I’m doing all I can to help you be well.  When I don’t allow you to have things you want, it’s only because I know how badly you will feel soon after you have them.  You are the light of my life, and your hugs and kisses make my day.

I love you!

Mommy